robbbster.jpg
It has been one of those Days that I would prefer not to repeat…Driving through Keene, NH today I must have run into a dozen smokers, all of them looking content, dreamy-eyed, and serene.

I have been anything but happy, hopeful, or content today or tonight. Actually I’ve been feeling rather disconnected from Ciggyfree, real life, my job, friends, etc and so on and so forth. I am sure I am sitting at the portal of a major depression but I needed to post something, anything, even if it is drivel, I just simply needed to post tonight.

A few years back I would have driven to some remote destination in Vermont or NH armed with pen and paper in hand and a pack of smokes to console me. Perhaps I would have chiseled, pounded, and beat words into a ream of paper while drawing smoke languidly into feminine lungs. It didn’t matter if I was hurting inside, I could opt to smoke the pain away! It was an embraced coping mechanism that helped to mask what I could not deal with in real life.

Tonight I find that I alone choose to not run to the store to purchase self-medication or mask what I am currently feeling behind a cloud of smoke. I alone choose to live even if I feel like silently dying within. I am aware that it is the atrocity of raw emotion and this flask of depression that I drink from tonight that is crippling all that I have struggled for over time. Deep within myself I know that I could dance it all away if I allow my demon friend to visit me once again.

My demon friend (yes I know it is me) tells me that only one cigarette would suffice. Just one. I turn my head. I look away. I know what my demon friend is capable of. The months and years of training to arm myself against deception are very weak tonight. I am no fool when it comes to this ball and chain of addiction.

For tonight I will choose to go to bed and chalk up this longing tear in the fabric of a 2 year and 7 month quit as a warning sign to never become complacent and to continue to honor and respect the beauty of remaining smokefee.

G’night, ~robbbster