Ciggyfree Blog & Gov Alert

It seems like I am having the most trouble with urges to smoke on the week ends. This makes some sense to me, because I have less to concentrate on. I only work Monday through Friday. So there are few distractions.

Early on in this quit, I would have bad cravings for the whole weekend. Starting after work and lasting until Monday morning. It was a constant struggle against the current, so to speak, to avoid giving in. It was pretty ugly back then.

It’s somewhat different now. I get strong urges to smoke, but recognize them for what they are, and I don’t indulge them. I have really clamped down on the smoking fantasies. I cut them off by understanding that they just feed the cravings. So I think appropriate thoughts.
I hope to have some relief soon, from my weekend craving syndrome. I play fantasy football, and when the season starts, I will have plenty to concentrate on. Some of my friends think it’s some cultural mind washing thing that makes me obsessed with football. But, really, its entertainment and a distraction from my problems. And it really is just fun. Even Freud himself said “Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.”

Besides, once football season gets here, I will have more to talk about in the blog. After next Saturday I could give a report on our player draft.

ZZYZX

Yesterday, I had another opportunity to excel at a task that I am not enthusiastic about. That is public speaking. I have always disliked doing that, and had a lot of difficulty getting through it. The primary reasons for this were one of the effects of smoking, and something that quitting smoking improved upon.

When I smoked, I was often short of breath. In situations where you would not think that a person should be short of breath. Like just talking. Public speaking was a chore for me, because I had to account for running out of air in the middle of a sentence. I tried to get around that by using short sentences, and getting through the torture as quickly as I could. I was always self-conscious about how I sounded, when running on too long without gulping down more oxygen.

After I quit smoking, and even more since I have been quit so long, my confidence is real high. I know I can do a good job at anything I do, even if I don’t like it very much. In the two times I have had to speak to a group of people since quitting, I was not even a bit nervous beforehand, because I believe in myself a lot more than I used to. I was, if I have to say so myself, pretty smooth, clever, and looked everyone in the eye a number of times. People laughed at my jokes, and understood what they needed to do with the budget when I was done. The boss was well pleased.

Now, I have to say, I don’t need to do a lot of public speaking. But for one thing, you have to take motivation and success where you find it. For another, the point about confidence carries over to anything. So while it may not seem a big deal, it really is if I can use it to reinforce my determination to stay free of smoking.

Every little, positive thing that has changed since I quit, can help build my defenses against relapse. Like one day at a time – it all adds up. So I have to look for the little improvements, as well as the obvious ones, to build a complete foundation for success.

ZZYXX

Check this article out!

Retire From Gossip

“Using the analogy of the human mind as a computer, gossip can be compared to a computer virus. A computer virus is a piece of computer language written in the same language all the other codes are written in, but with a harmful intent.”
–Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

One of my pet peeves is gossip. For the sake of this article I am defining gossip as: “Any talk about another that is not coming from a place of love, is without the intention of good will, and has questionable accuracy and that you would not want the other to hear about”.

If you are saying something about a person to another person that is not coming from an intention of love or good will, and/or is an interpretation rather than “the truth” (most things are merely interpretations), which you would not say to that person directly, then you are gossiping.

Have I ever gossiped? Yes. I doubt that any of us are entirely innocent of gossiping. Did I feel good about gossiping? No. Have I ever hurt another by gossiping? Yes, probably. Do I regret that? Yes, very much. Has someone gossiping about me ever hurt me? Yes.

Gossip hurts. It causes pain for those who engage in it as well as those who are victims of it. We don’t feel good about ourselves when we talk in derogatory ways about others. When we do things that make us not feel good about ourselves, we harm our self-respect, self-love and self-confidence. People who have high levels of these qualities do not gossip.

For the victim of gossip, the pain can be excruciating. A dear friend of mine was recently deeply wounded by gossip about her by her own family members. The things that were said were neither true nor coming from a place of love or goodwill toward her. Those that engaged in this gossip would not have wanted her to hear what they had said. She did hear and she is hurt.

My friend’s pain is a poignant reminder to me of my own commitment to not engage in gossip in any way. I set this standard for myself some time ago. At times I have fallen short. I am re-committing to working harder on this within myself.

Resisting gossip takes courage, effort, and awareness.

Why courage?

Because we all want to feel like we belong, and in most groups, if we choose not to participate in gossip, we don’t feel like we belong. It’s much easier to be a part of gossip than it is to step away. Another reason it takes courage is that if we have an issue with another, the easy thing to do is to talk to third parties about it. It takes a lot more courage to speak directly to the person with whom you have the issue. (I want to add one caveat here. Sometimes it’s helpful to talk with a third person about an issue you have with another, but only if your intention is to seek help in resolving the problem.)

Why effort? Because gossip is such a big part of our everyday lives. We hear it everywhere. From the tabloids and media that rely on gossip, to T.V. shows whose whole focus is on gossip, to the everyday people around us. Pay attention the next time you are at any type of gathering. Notice the conversations in which various people are engaged. Any time two or more people are engaging in conversation, there is a tendency to gossip.

Why awareness? Because gossip is so easy to get pulled into and is actually a habit for some people. To stay out of gossip, you have to be aware of those around you as well as be aware of your inner self. You have to be willing to ask yourself hard questions and be brutally honest with your answers. You have to examine your intention before saying something about another. You have to take the time to think before you speak.

Here are some questions you might ask yourself before saying something about another:

1. Is what I’m about to say true? How do I know it’s true? Remember that each time a piece of gossip is passed on, the message is filtered through yet another person’s perception. I remember an exercise in college where we sat in a circle and person #1 told a story to person #2, then person #2 told the same story to person #3 and so on around the circle until it was told to the last person. That person then told the story to the whole group. The story we heard from the last person was nothing like the story person #1 told. What happened?

When someone tells us something, it is filtered through our perception. Our perception is made up of our beliefs, values, experiences, knowledge, etc. Since everyone’s beliefs, values, experiences, knowledge, etc. are different, everyone’s perceptions are different. As the story progressed around the circle, it was filtered again and again through each person’s unique perception. The result was a story that was not the story originally told.

2. What would be my intention in saying this? Is what I’m about to say coming from a place of love or fear? Love is good will toward others, respect, caring, compassion, understanding, etc. Fear is jealousy, hate, anger, desire to feel superior to another, wanting someone to side with us, not wanting to speak directly to the person about the matter, wanting to belong.

3. If the person I’m about to talk about should hear what I’ve said, could she or he be hurt? Remember the definition for gossip and if your answers fit that definition, don’t say it. Most of us would never intentionally hurt another’s feelings. By retiring from gossiping, in most cases, we can insure that we don’t unintentionally hurt another. How would our world be different if we all retired from gossiping? How might our children behave differently if we adults put an end to gossiping?

By Sharon Demarte

At Ciggyfree we have one mission and that is to get YOU, the smoker off the smokes. We are here to help nurture you when you need nurturing, and to assist you with a wealth of information and inspiration to enhance your quitting experience. As a new person on the block we hope that you will feel welcome here. Our site does not participate in flaming or gossip, and we do sincerely embrace everyone who has a strong desire to quit and remain quit with open arms. We also try our hardest to assist those who think they can’t do it into realizing their full potential of *YES YOU CAN DO IT!*

Hugs,

robbbster

The word empower is a buzzword that is popular with social and political movements. The meaning of the word, to me, has been that somebody wants to take money from people that have it, and give it to people that don’t have it, for the purpose of being popular with the highest number of people. That way, they get those votes and acquire power. I don’t think I am being cynical, just realistic.

But it now has another meaning to me. One that is more personal, and directly affects me in a positive way. In a very real sense, quitting smoking has empowered me with the ability to really change things that I always intended to change, but had never gotten around to any of them.

To say that quitting smoking is a hard thing to do is like saying Switzerland has some nice hills. I have already commented on some of the difficulties, and will do so in the future. But, as hard as it can be, I am doing it. I am getting through the bad times, and starting to see the good times. My attitude has evolved from certainty of failure if I try it, to certainty that I can do it if I really want to. And that is, indeed, empowerment.

The biggest obstacle to success, at anything, is doubt. If you don’t believe in yourself, you will not be likely to succeed. It takes more than confidence in an ability to do the truly hard things in life. It takes conviction that it is worth the effort, and that the goal is worth any discomfort or hardship it will cost, and the faith in yourself to get the job done. If a person has all that, I would not bet against them.

The old saying that success breeds success is true. Success banishes doubt and builds confidence, conviction, and faith. And it carries over. If I can do the hardest thing there is to do (which I’d say quitting smoking qualifies as that) then I can do anything. And that idea right there is the most empowering idea of them all.

For the purposes of todays theoretical discussion, an estimate will do. So let’s do the math. I smoked from when I was fourteen, until I was fifty-two. That’s thirty-eight years. In that time I have quit a few times, and the total time spent not smoking would be about a year. So let’s use thirty-seven as the number of years I smoked. Throwing out leap years, we don’t need to be that accurate, that’s 13,505 days. The average number of cigarettes I smoked per day (you can see where this is going now) was twenty-five. So in the time I smoked, I estimate I lit up 337,625 times. That is a lot of reinforcement for a particular behavior.

Now, a person could look at that number, and think that the idea of stopping is pretty daunting. As often as I smoked, how is it possible to just stop? Wouldn’t it be useless? Why not just keep going, because it’s too hard to quit. This is how a negative attitude would work.

Since I choose to have a positive attitude, I am thinking, when I look at that number, this just goes to show you how much in the clutches of the addiction I used to be. I really was a servant of the behavior, almost a mindless machine made for one thing– consuming tobacco by fire. It is about time I stopped doing that. It is time for freedom.

Another example of negative verses positive attitude is in craving. The negative attitude focuses on the crave, and dreams about satisfying the urge. It spends time with thoughts of smoking. The positive attitude embraces craving as a sign of healing, and of progress. It realizes that the addiction is starving to death, and time will heal the urges to smoke, if I don’t give in.

I could go on about the differences between positive and negative attitudes, but it’s time to make my point. A positive attitude is necessary for a successful quit. Withdrawal is a reality, but looking at it as torture is counterproductive. This is a war between my will and the addiction. A negative attitude is defeatist and gives aid and comfort to the enemy. A positive attitude will make all the difference in being able, finally, to stay quit.

ZZYZX

I think I have figured out why I felt so weird over the weekend. It is not just my quitting smoking that made me feel that way. It’s all the changes I have made here in the last few months. I think I am getting kind of tired of it all.

Aside from quitting smoking, I made drastic changes in my diet and exercise routine. All at once. All for the same reason. I didn’t really feel there was any choice in the matter, I just had to do things differently. So I changed stuff around.

I have talked at length about quitting smoking, so you already know I did that. I also gave up not only the types of junk food I liked so well, but even eating anything as often as I did before. I would drink regular soda pop a lot. I would have one for breakfast, and at least two at work, then tow or thee more after work. If it was alcohol I would be drunk all the time. I ate a lot of chocolate too, and chips and stuff like that.

But I quit all that, and now I watch what I eat, and how often. I don’t like it, but I do it. I didn’t really think much about it. Lie I said – it was out of necessity. So I never really got mad about having to do all that. I thought I was Ok with it.

As for exercise, I just didn’t do any at all. So even the bit of walking I do now is a big effort for me.

But now, I think, I do grow a little weary of having to do all the things I am doing, or doing without. Sort of like combat fatigue. I tend to let my guard down and let it start to bother me sometimes. I forget the basics, and I get in trouble.

I have to always keep in mind that what I am doing is hard. The addiction is dug in like an Alabama tick. To break it requires that I keep my focus on what I am doing, and why I do it. I cannot let my motivation slip even a little. Because as it goes downhill, it gains momentum. I also have to clamp down on my feelings, and not let them out of control. When I do, I just embarrass myself.

I need to keep in mind that, in a very real way, I am only four and a half months old. I am just learning how to live without smoking. And I have to stay focused and never, ever, doubt the worth of quitting smoking, and all the other quitting I have done. Never.

ZZYZX

Whatever it is that’s bothering me is still going on. I haven’t figured it out yet. But I am starting to doubt that it’s caused by not smoking.

I don’t really have any more craving to smoke than has been normal. I am just getting periodic urges which are moderate in strength but pass by fast.

It hasn’t gotten any worse. And not any better either. So I am still just not myself. But I don’t know why. Until I get out of this feeling, I guess I’ll just keep going through the motions, so to speak.

Maybe football season will help pull me out of it. Maybe not.

ZZYZX

I have this strange feeling today. I don’t know what it is. I don’t remember feeling like this before, though it’s not unusual for me to forget things. I am going to see if I can examine the feeling, and figure out what it is.

I can start by saying what I do know. It’s not anger, or depression, I know those feelings in all their forms. And I would not classify it as any of the good feelings, like happiness, or contentment. It’s not anything familiar.

One thing about it is, nothing is funny to me. I have no sense of humor right now. I can’t laugh at myself. That’s not a good sign. Another thing about it is that the things that I have been feeling so good about lately, are just so bland now. On the other hand, I don’t feel bad about anything. I feel neutral.

I do feel antisocial. But that’s not ever very far from the normal for me. I dread the weekly chore of going to the grocery store. I know people will pull out in front of me on the way, they will drive slow, walk slow, get in my way, and bother me on the way back. By the time I get home i just might be angry. Maybe that will help me break up this weird feeling.

I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel like I don’t feel. If that makes sense. Nothing is good, nothing is bad, noting is funny, nothing is sad. Bland, the whole world is without flavor.

It could be like combat fatigue, maybe I am getting tired of the fight. Maybe its a transition from being on a nice roll to going through a rough spot. Maybe I am just out of my mind.

I am in unexplored territory here. I haven’t any landmarks, or distance markers to navigate by. So i have to guess at what to do, because it is certainly an uncomfortable feeling. So I will stick to familiar routines today, and try not to think much anymore. I have fantasy football work to do, which I used to enjoy.

The only sure plan I have right now is – just don’t smoke.

ZZYZX

When I am in my car, all by my self, I am just as good a singer as anybody else. As long as no one else can hear me, I like to sing along with my favorite music. In my car, no one will throw rocks at me, and no dog will howl in sympathy with my singing.

This is a practical example of the benefits of quitting smoking. My breathing is so much better now, that I can keep up with the songs. Before I quit, I had trouble walking up the steps at home without getting winded. I would have to stop in the middle of a line, during a song, to draw some more air in to finish. It really cramped my style.

Now, I have no problems with keeping up with any of my favorites. It’s easy to just let loose and enjoy the music, the words, and the moment. Heck, I don’t even really need to know all the words, I can fake the parts I can’t understand in the recorded song.

Now, I am a guy who always has a song in my heart. My problem is, I have not even a speck of talent for music. My voice is not good, I can’t play any instrument, and I have no ear for tones. So I express myself when it’s safe. And i really enjoy it.

I can’t tell you about that tree in the forest, but, when no one is there to hear me, I do make noise.

The one constant that I have seen in my adult life is change. The whole world has changed around me since I was old enough to observe it. When I think of how much it has changed, just in my lifetime, I am amazed. Who could have predicted it?

I used to think I can adapt to change without batting an eye. And it has been true, for the most part. This quit smoking business, as well as paying attention to my health is a different matter.

I have tried to quit smoking before, as I have said in other posts. I would also go on diets and exercise kicks every once in a while. But I always considered those changes to be jobs of work, not things to really be desired. I thought of them as self-inflicted torture, stress, cruelty, and meanness. To say the least, my attitude towards self-improvement was strictly negative.

My attitude is different now. I thought about this real hard the last few days. I have to embrace the change, like it’s my lifeline in a stormy sea. I need to focus on the results and not the process.

I find myself actually anticipating my morning walks with eagerness, because I think its fun now. I enjoy walking, and pushing myself to go an extra lap or a little faster. I like losing all the weight I have lost, even while quitting smoking. I want to lose more. I like how I feel, I like how I look, I respect myself for doing the hard work to reach this point. My confidence in myself is high, my energy is high, and I am getting that swagger back in my walk.

It’s about time I let myself catch up with the twenty-first century. I have to let myself change

I really need to start paying more attention to what is going on. I get so fixated on the obvious pitfalls and benefits of quitting smoking, that I lose track of other things that are important.

One of the reasons I quit, this time, was that I had problems with my legs. I had a lot of swelling, and blood circulation issues. Aside from the swelling, I had numbness in my feet. The numbness was on the bottom of my foot and in my toes. It was not real bad – yet, but definitely there.

Now it is gone. I just realized that yesterday when I took off my shoe and massaged my poor sore foot. It took me a minute to realize that it was gone, but I sure was pleased when I did notice. This is a sure sign of healing. Knowing what nicotine does to blood vessels, I know this is a direct result of quitting smoking. The circulation is just so much better.

I also notice that the swelling is down in my legs, but that is probably only indirectly related to quitting. It is the walking I am doing which reduces the swelling, and I walk now because I can breath when I do.

After talking to my doctor about my leg problems, and how smoking affected them, I found more motivation to quit. I have a mental picture of my legs putrefying from lack of blood while I blissfully puff away on a cigarette. That vision has helped me not go back to smoking.

ZZYZX

Here I am at four month, a week, and some odd days into my quit. It is going pretty good at this point. Like I’m on autopilot. I have a good rhythm, and a pace I feel I can keep up indefinitely, by taking one day at a time.

I am completely functional now, with no more lost in space moments. No more fuzzy thinking. I can concentrate for as long as I need to on a given activity. I still sometimes get a thousand-yard stare going, but even then my mind is working.

My cravings for cigarettes are changing quite a lot now. I can think about smoking without starting a crave. I can remember smoking without being nostalgic. I do not fixate on memories of smoking when I am in a place where I usually smoked. When I drive through places where I would always light up, I do not even think about it, most of the time.

I do still get urges to smoke. They are short, but sharp, impulses to get a cigarette. I can easily brush them aside and ignore them, until they just dissolve. At this point, I can say the desire to go back to smoking is well under control.

I understand that this can change. I do not underestimate the addiction. I am ready, I think, for more challenges that I will have in the future. But right now, and for the last few days, it feels normal not to smoke. This is the promised land of quitting.

The goal of quitting is not to reach a point in the future without having smoked. There is no goal line, no finish line to cross. It is to feel normal to not smoke, and to not want to smoke. I am feeling that way for long periods of each day now. So when people tell us noobs that it does get better – they are telling it straight. It really does.

ZZYZX

I have been rethinking all of my old attitudes about smoking, and most of them are changing. One that hasn’t changed is that smoking is a gamble. I always thought of it as such, so my attitude in that respect is the same. However, before I just didn’t care to ponder it very much.

If you have ever been to Las Vegas, or seen pictures of it, you have seen some amazing sights. The city is on the go all twenty-four hours every day. The strip has some of the most incredible buildings in the country. There are pyramids, skyscrapers, castles, and even an Eifel Tower. At night the lights of the city make the desert glow like a diamond from a hundred miles away. The city is growing so fast, with so many new buildings, it’s hard to keep up with it all.

The one thing that fuels it all is money. The cash flows into the city like water over Niagara Falls. And the flow of money is sustained by the odds. The whole city is built on the backs of suckers. What we do in the casinos is called gambling because you do take a risk in the hopes of getting a reward. But the odds are against you each time you put down some money. In the long run, it is inevitable that the money flows in one direction. Gambling is, to me, a tax on the mathematically challenged.

Smoking is just like gambling in Vegas. The odds are definitely against you. Sure, we all know anecdotal incidents where people live to be one hundred years old, and smoke three packs a day. So what? Out of the billions of smokers in the world, is one or two of those enough to convince you that you will have no consequences? Having negative health consequences because of smoking is a sure thing, in the long run you will lose.

Every cigarette is Russian roulette. Every puff is a roll of the dice. It’s a sucker’s game. And with smoking, it’s not money you risk. It’s your very life.

The amazing thing is, I have always seen smoking in this way. Why I never acted upon that belief is a subject for another post – when I figure that one out.

ZZYZX

I am not one to complain. But, you know, I used to think I liked smoking. That was before I quit and found out differently. I used to drink regular cola, but quit doing that. I loved to eat chocolate, but stopped. I gave up snacks between meals. I don’t eat potato chips, pastries, ice cream, or other sweets anymore. I cut way down on bread and potatoes. All these things I use to really, really like - I gave up. I started walking every day. My feet hurt, my legs are sore, and my back bothers me. All of this to have a better quality of life. The old me thinks I am just plain crazy.

ZZYZX

I know that my quit is not a person, or even a living thing. But I am going to take some poetic license here and write about it as if it were a person. I read somewhere that writers can do that. I draw a line at giving my quit a gender – it will remain an it to me.

I have been quit long enough now that I have a most intimate relationship with my quit. I know it’s moods, I know it’s likes and dislikes, I know it’s foibles and quirks. I know it like the back of my hand.

It’s a moody thing. It can be as bright as a new spring day, or as dark as the far side of the moon. It can be a walk in the park or shoveling snow in a blizzard. It is really a lot of things from time to time. It never stays static. It grows as a child will.

When young, it changed from day to day or even minute to minute. It’s attention span was short lived. It’s demands were intense, and it needed constant care and nurturing. It easily got into trouble, and made mistakes. It didn’t know what trouble was, sometimes, until it got burned. I had to step in a number of times to save it. It was more often like a brat than an angel.

As it grew, it changed. It is now less demanding of constant attention. It still needs to have discipline applied from time to time. But it’s learning how to deal with the world around it. I used to be lucky, or very busy, to not think about the quit for five minutes. Now, I go for hours without thinking about smoking. Not a lot of hours, but at least a couple. The quit is learning to be self sufficient. However, that process is new, and I still have to nurture it. It can still get into a bad mood every once in a while.

My quit still has a lot to learn. I know I will experience things I can’t anticipate. My quit needs to grow into a responsible, mature, and vigilant part of who I am. I have to make it part of my nature, and that is as intimate as you can get.

ZZYZX

We started a chat room on IRC for all you quitters out there. Come on in and have some fun, talk about whatever you want, whatever will help you quit.

Chat with us on Starchat Java #Ciggyfree
I usually get in the chat room around 7:00 PM CDT. I keep it open awhile to see if we get any customers. So I hope to see you there soon. Click on the chat link in the Stop Smoking Tools section on the menu to the right if you don’t know how to join in an IRC chat.

ZZYZX

I am still analyzing the rough spot I had two days ago. I have thought about it a lot, and have reached a couple of conclusions.

The first is that I was better prepared, this time, to handle that kind of an episode. I had already discussed this type of thing with my quit buddy – robbbster – who has been there and done that. So because I knew what could happen, I recognized it when it did happen. That was why some part of me was able to deal with the experience in a constructive way, and help me remain on my quit.

The second is that it is good, indeed, to have a quit buddy who will tell you what they think. When I read what robbster had to say about my hard time – that I was looking for an excuse to smoke – it was not something that I liked hearing. But it is true. Part of me was looking for a reason to abandon my quit as a lost cause. It is part of the self –deception that is addiction. And nothing helps you beat the lies than recognizing them for what they are. So it was something I had to hear, and I am glad I have a friend who will tell me that stuff.

These two things were factors in how long I had a serious possibility of relapse, and how I avoided smoking. But the underlying cause is something totally different. Like everybody else, I don’t have just one feeling that I use all the time. I have the whole spectrum of human emotions. When feeling down becomes feeling sorry for myself, then the door is wide open for the addiction to come back in. This is called, for all you other men out there, vulnerability. And it is pretty much self-inflicted.

The solution to being vulnerable, it seems to me, is to be able to cope with my feelings without smoking. This is something I have to work at to learn, because I have used that crutch of smoking for so long. I will have to do that on the fly, because it was not something I really anticipated before I quit. So I will have to persevere, adapt, and overcome.

ZZYZX

Well, I got through the night without caving in. It was a hard time, but it didn’t last long. My strategy of waiting it out worked again. Sometimes, it’s all you can do to not smoke.

Where the thing came from, and where it went are things I’ll never know. If I could figure out why I hit these rough spots, and why they go away, I would not only be rich and famous, but there would be no more poverty, war, or injustice either. It just came out of the blue last night, and when I woke up this morning it was gone.

While it was here, it almost broke down all my defenses. All the things that kept me going up till now, and made me so positive about quitting, were of no use to me last night. It isn’t that I have never felt depressed before, or angry, or insecure, or a lot of other things. I am human, I get that way sometimes. What sometimes happens is that my ways of coping with my feelings, without smoking, get overwhelmed.

In times past, when I would reach the point I was at last night, I would cave in, and go back to smoking. So what was it then that kept me from relapsing last night?
Many things went through my mind, to try and deflect the insistent urge to smoke to make me feel better. I thought of the progress I made, I thought of my quit buddy, I thought of my family, my health, my dear readers. Many times, any one of those thoughts is enough to push the urge away, to forget it and move on. Not last night.

Last night the phantom got through all but the last of my defenses. What worked for me last night was having the solid foundation upon which I have built this quit. That is: smoking is not a choice. Even in the chaos of a raging crave to smoke, a part of my mind stayed rational, and recognized that, even this will pass. And what would I feel like when it left, if I had given in.

That thing that I held on to when I needed it the most was the power to quit. I may not have the power to stop my feelings from getting out of hand at times. And I may not have the power to keep the old bad habits from trying to take over again. But I do have power over my actions. And I do have the power to quit. That was my lifeline last night.

ZZYZX

It is so hard, right now, to remain positive and keep on this quit. This is one of those times when smoking would help me cover up my feelings. And I have nothing to rely on but me. I have no idea why I am so down now, but I am.

You see, it’s not easy to do this at all, this quitting smoking. I want to smoke now, I really do. It’s the worst it’s been in five weeks. All the things I have done up until now just do not seem to matter. All the attitude change, the information I have learned, the health problems I have. They don’t mean that much to me. My motivation is buried under a mud slide of craving.

I shouldn’t post when I am like this, but you need to know the bad as well as the good. It gets bad. Sometimes real bad. I feel so…..brittle right now. Like I could just break. I will try to get through it without smoking. I have been here before. I feel close to the breaking point.

I am full of doubt - that I can continue, that I want to continue, that it makes any difference that it’s worth it. I will let you know tomorrow how it turns out. I am going to try my best strategy when I get like this - procrastinate. Maybe I will get through it. Some small part of me still hopes so.

zzyzx

There is one obstacle to a successful quit that has been my particular stumbling block. I have had four serious attempts to quitting smoking, besides this one, in the past ten years. This one I am on is the only one to survive past three months and a week.

I know the reasons for my failures have always been the same - my attitude about quitting was distorted. When I threw away my last cigarette, in the past, it was with some regret. I was unhappy with having to be apart from my constant companions, and I was not very confident I could stay away from them.

I found myself longing for the familiar motions of the mechanics of smoking, as well as the pleasurable aspects of the nicotine. I would often daydream wistfully about lighting one up - the taste, the smell, the rush.

The memories of smoking would be flying around my head like a cloud of mosquitoes on a hot summer evening. I would dwell on the cigarettes still unlit, those left over at the time I set to stop. I would feel I sacrificed them, as if they had any real value to me, when I disposed of them.

Thinking of those lost cigarettes could actually get me depressed. I would go outside with the smokers, just to smell their second-hand smoke. I would stare at people I saw smoking. I would look for butts on the ground in places where I smoked, visualizing having smoked them. Man, I was one conflicted puppy.

In my past quits, I never really stopped serving the addiction within. The cigarette was, to me, still a symbol of freedom. It was an instrument of relaxation, pleasure, and feeling better. I totally ignored what smoking really is – a slow, painful, and unnecessary form of suicide.

The difference this time is; I no longer see smoking as an option. I don’t daydream about smoking, I don’t miss the cigarettes, and I see smoking for what it is. I have my feet firmly planted on the ground of reality – smoking was killing me. This time my motivation is specific, and quitting in now an imperative. That is a real big part of staying quit this long. There are other factors, which I have written about in other posts, but motivation is the strongest factor this in this quit.

I realized even before I quit this time, that I cannot serve two masters. I cannot take care of my health, and feed my addiction. They are mutually exclusive activities. The basic decision is, now, not whether to stop smoking or keep smoking. It is life or death.

ZZYZX

I have been quit a little over four months now. The nature of the business of quitting has been gradually changing over that time. I still have many of the withdrawal symptoms that started soon after my last cigarette, but they change in the degree to which they affect me. On the other hand, the benefits I saw early on have just been getting better,

I still have cravings and urges, but the strength, duration, and interval between them have all changed. In strength, they are about half as much as they used to be. The duration is a lot less. I have not had any most-of-the-day craves since about the three month mark. Also the interval between urges is much greater now than before. I often forget I have quit, instead of thinking about it all day long.

I am here to tell you, that the improvement in my breathing is tremendous. I used to get winded when I walked up the stairs from my basement to the living room in my house. I could probably have run out of breath waiting for a bus, when I smoked.

Now, I am walking a couple of miles with no problems at all keeping the oxygen supply adequate. That alone is worth the effort to stay quit. However, there is more. My blood pressure is truly outstanding. What a difference no nicotine has made. The numbers are very good every time I check it.

My blood sugar numbers are also now in the acceptable range, but how much of that is quitting, and how much diet I don’t know. I do know that nicotine increased it, but not any more. My clothes smell better, my self smells better, and I can detect smells better. Food has more taste, but heck, I gave up chocolate, so where does that help? Still, it’s an improvement.

No matter how you look at it, this was not only the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best thing I could do for myself. I feel so very positive about the changes it has made in how I feel, that it is hard to remember to keep vigilant. I have to remind myself, I am still addicted, still going through withdrawal, and have to keep my guard up. I have to concentrate, still, on one day at a time.

ZZYZX

People can be funny. I don’t mean causing laughter or amusement. I mean strangely odd. You would think that, unless they are seriously deficient in some way, people generally are empathetic to others. But sometimes it’s only a façade.

My family has had as much experience with me quitting smoking as I’ve had. They are glad I quit, but tread lightly around me for fear of waking the sleeping tiger, so to speak. I think they also expect me to relapse at any given minute, and don’t want to be what pushes me over the edge. But they do care about my quit.

I know other quitters from my online activities. Some I get to know pretty well from chatting and posting to public forums. I would not recognize 99% of them if I sat down next to them on a bus. However, all of them understand what I am going through, and certainly support me as I do them. There is a certain camaraderie among the ex-smokers that transcends any other differences. But even casual acquaintances in the quit smoking community will be enthusiastically on your side.

Then there are people you are friends with. I have found that my men friends do not ask about how my quit is going. But my women friends do ask often. Well, there is that Mars and Venus thing at work. I also find that, when I am struggling with quitting, I will confess that to my friends that are women but never with my male buddies. I am from Mars too, you know. I can’t actually show any weakness around by buddies, it just isn’t done. So, if you are reading this, and are a man, I will say at this point- “How ‘bout them Bears?”.

Then there are my old smoking pals. The ones I used to hang around with outside, in the smoking lounge, for years. We would go out to smoke and complain about work, the customers, the leadership, and the world in general. Now, they expect, and want, me to fail. They would use that failure as justification of their own behavior and attitudes. Some of them are quite out in the open with their doubt about my ability to succeed. Some are like vultures just waiting for my quit to die. Then they will swoop down to welcome me back to the fold.

I see that kind of antipathy as being part of the addiction. Back in my smoking days, against my own conscious mind, I could feel those feelings. I also felt jealousy when one of my friends quit. That is the addiction at work, trying to prop itself up, to increase its hold, to keep itself alive in those that have it. Misery loves company, indeed.

It is not something that will make, or break, my quit. I am the only one that can make it succeed or fail. But, the people that are on my side can help me stay on track. The ones who want me to fail can just serve their master all they want.

I walk as though in a dream, it all seems so unreal.
To be doing this thing I set as a goal, but never reached for.
To be free of my addiction has been a vision for most of my life.

My rational self has known all along the damage it caused.
My selfish side has never cared, or considered the cost.
A nameless something in me revels in my self-destruction.
My addiction is ever mindless, wanting only to feed.

To decide my own fate, I have taken a stand
My resolve has been tried and pushed to an extreme.
I gather the strength to fight from wherever I can.

I feel the turning of the tide, I believe I can win
The fight goes on, each success renews my will to win.
The goal is not a place or a time, it’s not measured in any number.
Victory is in the fight, freedom is of the now.

ZZYZX

The nature of the addiction to nicotine is among the hardest to break of any know substance. Those of us quitting know how strong that addiction can be. It can overwhelm some people.

My doctor told me the story of a neighbor of hers, who had diabetes. The neighbor’s wife was a friend of my doctor, and my doctor gave the lady some advise about her husband’s smoking. Of course there is a well established relationship between smoking and amputations with diabetics.

The neighbor’s husband did commit to quitting smoking. However, his wife would find fresh butts laying around in the back yard. So she knew her spouse was still smoking. Sure enough, he smoked himself right into an amputation of one of his legs.

After that happened, he still kept on smoking. And he smoked himself into a stroke. With that the guy’s wife gave up and left him. The doctor saw the guy some time after the stroke, and asked him if he is still smoking. He said “Yes, but not when I drive, because when I smoke, my left side doesn’t work too well.” Doc told me this all happened before the guy was forty years old.

That got me to thinking, what does it take for some people? Was I any less addicted than this guy? No. I am just luckier or something, since my health issues are not that bad. But also, the message got through to me. So I quit. I don’t have to have something like that happen to me to wake me up. I just have to accept what I know to be true about smoking. Every puff does it’s damage, and it’s a gamble every time you light up. The odds will catch up with you in the end.

ZZYZX

When I look back at being a smoker, and even in my previous quits, I see that my attitude towards smoking was not in touch with reality. I had a positive attitude towards smoking, because I focused on things that were either insignificant, or just not true.

The insignificant things that contributed to the attitude were the mechanics of smoking. Just the fact I had smokes around made me feel the world was right. The routine actions of getting a cigarette, and lighting up were familiar and made me feel comfortable. Even having the usual places to keep them just seemed to be so right. At home I kept them by the door, and at work they were on my desk. The whole logistical process of supplying me with cigarettes was part of my reason to be alive. All these things worked subconsciously to make my habit what I thought were an enjoyable one for me.

The things that were not true were that I liked to smoke, it relaxed me, and that any concern for health complications was a matter for the future. Now that I have stopped for a while, I do not miss the sore throat, dry skin, cough, nasal congestion, yellow teeth, and shortness of breath, gray skin, and stink of my former habit. I also know now that nicotine is actually a stimulant, and my blood pressure sure is better without it. As far a future health concerns, that is always a matter for now, because later may be too late.

The truth of the matter is that all these things that I thought made smoking a pleasant experience just propped up my addiction, supported the endless greed for the nicotine that made me subservient to an intangible master. I was acting like an overgrown lab rat, and actually enjoying it.

Until I realized that what I used to enjoy was nothing more than the addiction driving my thoughts and behavior, I always missed smoking when I quit before. I fantasized about smoking, about buying smokes, about handling the package and lighter, and about the false sense of relaxation I had when I smoked. I had smoking dreams, and daydreams. I would go outside with friends that smoke just to smell their smoke. I totally romanticized the whole smoking business.

Now, my attitude has changed. I recognize what the addiction was doing to me, and that was to make me a more than willing collaborator in my own degradation, captivity, and death. What changed my attitude is actually listening to my doctor, and my quit buddies, and doing the research on the subject. If I could say why I took so long to get to the point where I really understood my behavior, I could be a pretty rich psychologist. I am just glad I finally did.

zzyzx

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*Ciggyfree does not believe in competing with other quit smoking sites - we believe that the ciggyfree lifestyle should be one of sharing resources with all quit smoking sites in order to empower people to become free of nicotine addiction.

~robbbster

When anticipating my current quit, I expected to be pretty mean at times because of withdrawal symptoms. I have been that way before. The constant effort to resist urges to smoke gets very tiresome. In the past, I became very irritable at times, and would lash out without thinking at those around me. It is not a voluntary response, in the sense that I never planned to react to innocent bystanders that way. It is more of a reflex reaction caused by focusing so much attention internally, and the discomfort of my situation.

I have had a lot less irritability with this quit. I can’t say that I haven’t been truculent at times, but it has been rare this time around. I attribute that to the Wellbutrin and a different attitude.

I have met a lot of really neat people in the support groups I frequent. I post to a public forum along with many others. And I like to chat with other quitters. I have received a lot of good tips on how to handle the withdrawal, and how to keep from going crazy. I even got a job as a Blog administrator from one of the forums. So I am having a lot of fun with people in the same boat. And that helps me a lot.

So overall, at this point in my quit, some of my expectations were right, some were wrong, and some things I did not anticipate. I can say that nothing has made me go back to smoking as of right now. I am building my smoke-free life one day at a time. It’s all I can handle at this point.

zzyzx

The past week I have seen two fatal accidents along the route 9 corridor heading towards Brattleboro, Vermont. Both could have been avoided if the drivers had not made bad decisions.

The first accident involved a left turn and the second accident involved a right turn. What did both drivers have in common? They both risked their lives and the lives of others by making a turn in front of speeding traffic. They both probably thought that they could beat the odds of dying, and they both failed miserably.

Viewing the aftermath of crushed metal horrifically flattened upon impact, is a painful and disturbing sight to see. The vehicles that had hosted life just moments before, now laid to rest as a testament that the stupidity of human choice can indeed kill you.

ASH (Action on Smoking & Health) states that “smoking has more than 50 ways of making life a misery through illness and more than 20 ways of killing you.” Imagine all you have to do is make the choice to smoke and you can have a smorgasbord of options to simply die for. What’s on the menu today – lung cancer, kidney cancer, or maybe a dash of Ischemic heart disease?

Or better yet, you can pick from a grab bag of assorted illnesses! How about acute necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis in twenty years, peripheral vascular disease in thirty years, or pneumonia next winter?

Rest assured that smoking is a very disturbing addiction. Though the act of smoking does not veer to the left or to the right, it does remain steady. Day after day, year after year – the smoker lights cigarettes laced with radioactive ingredients and garnished with pesticides. Logically speaking self preservation alone should dictate absconding to higher ground…Perhaps smoking is a form of self-harming disease?

~robbbster

When I started to take Wellbutrin, I was still smoking. I discussed using it with my doctor, and she said that I should start before I quit, and then keep taking it as long as I need it. We had discussed my previous cycles of quitting, and I observed that my relapses came after I had quit the Zyban I was using. Both medications are supposed to help with quitting smoking, and are also anti-depressants.

They tell me that Wellbutrin and Zyban are equivalent medicines. I don’t think so. With Zyban I did not get the effect I got with Wellbutrin while smoking. I found that this time, the medication actually affected how the nicotine made me feel. I never did get that rush from smoking that I used to. I would smoke a cigarette, and wonder why I bothered. Zyban never did that for me.

Since I quit, in the first few weeks, I could tell when I went a little over my schedule of taking the pills. I would start to get cravings. After taking the medication, the cravings soon went away. Wellbutrin cannot stop my bad cravings, those real intense ones that dominate your mind for as long as they decide to. But it does reduce the number of craves I get, and handles the little ones that can grow into big ones.

As for the depression, my guess is that it reduces the frequency and intensity of those feelings. But the only way to tell is to stop taking it. And that’s not going to happen any time soon. There is another factor in feeling depressed and that is I have not learned to really deal with it myself, instead of using cigarettes to cover it up.

Overall, I’d say Wellburin really helps, and that no substitute will do.

zzyzx

When I first decided to quit, this last time, I had a little lead time to get ready. I gave myself ten days. That’s how long I wanted to be taking the Wellbutrin before I quit. I also decided not to use any NRT this time. I had used patches and gum in previous quits. I had never tried by just quitting nicotine altogether.

I was a little nervous about it. All I really thought about before quitting was how to handle the raging craves that I knew i would have. I had them before, and they were very nasty. At times I actually had a physical feeling like a tingling all over. In my mind I pictured every cell in my body yelling at my brain to check the system because the nicotine supply was not getting through. At other times the cravings would manifest themselves differently. It would be like the feeling you got when you went past you normal smoke interval, only much stronger. Most of the time, the cravings would be steady and moderately strong, but always there. It went like this all through my other quits, until I relapsed.

This was what I expected. What I got was a surprise. I did not have the intense cravings I had before. After a few days, the physical craving was gone. I never did get the tingling feeling at all. I suppose it’s because before I had kept the addiction alive with the low levels of nicotine in my system. I still had the intense psychological cravings. But not near as bad as before. After my crisis right at three months, the cravings have been very much less than I expected.

What surprised me even more is I noticed most all of the symptoms of withdrawal that robbster posted about a couple of posts ago. The only one I have not yet encountered is inability to sleep. Of course, I have never lasted this long either in a quit before, so that may be some of it.

I did not get what i expected as far as craving is concerned. I attribute that to getting rid of all the nicotine from the start. I also did not anticipate any other withdrawal symptoms, so I have had to adapt as they came up. It hasn’t exactly been easy, but it hasn’t been impossible either.

zzyzx